“When will you marry? You’re no longer a small boy o. Abi you don’t know.”
One of my least favourite uncles threw the question at me out of nowhere at the beginning of the new year.
The question hit me like a brick in the face. I could feel my veins popping, but I didn’t have the luxury of reacting how I felt.
I really should stop attending these family gatherings as I get older. They pose a serious threat to my mental health.
But I’m not sure I can afford to do that. As the first born son in a Yoruba home, there’s a plethora of responsibilities awaiting you.
And as much as I hate assuming responsibility for things, my options here are limited.
It’s my sister’s convocation – I have three beautiful sisters. I have to show up for her. Show up for them. I have to mentally, physically, and financially prepare myself to be a brother and a father. That’s what Alhaji says to me.
By virtue of being the first and only son, I can’t avoid the role that has been assigned to me way before my arrival in this world of vanity. Somehow, 2023 fully opened my eyes to this realisation.
“When I’m no longer here, your sisters will need a father and they’ll look to you for guidance.”
I chuckle and say “I can’t be anybody’s father.”
I see the disappointment in his big brown eyes and I pretend as if it doesn’t break my heart. But I learned from a young age to always stay true to myself; to my feelings; to my core values. I questioned those core values too many times this year.
I had intentions to achieve many things in 2023. I barely did anything to advance my career. 2023 was a blur, like swiftly flipping the pages of a book. Still, I lived. I savoured every moment. I battled some mental health challenges and on some days, I rode the sun. At some point, I thought I had reached my breaking point. Then life broke me some more.
This year, I struggled with what achievement means to me. My parents and friends hang their expectations like a noose around my neck. Every question is a pull. Every mention of career and success.
“Bro, I think you have so much potential to be more.”
It’s impossible to breathe when everyone is pulling the noose. That’s not even the scariest part. What if it’s you constantly pulling the noose? That’s what my battle this year looked like. Fighting for my life while the questions continually pile up.
“Are you going to ever reach your potential?”
On some days this year, I’m a ticking time bomb. I think about where I am currently and lose myself in my imagination. I get furious and anxious because it feels like I’m wasting away: spending so much time and getting stuck inside my head while the clock ticks. Is it the clock ticking or the bomb?
For the most part of 2023, my biggest battle was my age. I convinced myself somehow that I no longer had any youthfulness left in me. It was a neat trick because it worked so well. I started to feel like time was no longer on my side. And it definitely didn’t help that the days sped by very quickly.
I don’t care much for new years. I believe it’s how you live your days that matter. Every new day is a rebirth. Age is just a number. Perhaps that’s what your 2024 resolution should be. To live each day as if it’s a new opportunity to go at this thing called life again. I think I’m talking to myself as much as I’m talking to you.
It’s important to remember that you’re human. Your life doesn’t revolve around those milestones you’ve set. I try to remind myself on those tough days when my chest is tight and my nervous system enters fourth gear.
I try to do more and spend less time in my head these days. it’s like a mantra. It’s not exactly a walk in the park but try I shall. Thinking is important. Doing is importanter. That’s another goal for 2024 right there. At least that’s what I intend to do.
On that note, I wish you the best in this new year. If you’re one of those people that eat swallow with cutlery, you better change in 2024 so you can be counted among the chosen ones.
