I am no longer the loser I used to be

Some years back, I was in a sunken place. What made my situation more unbearable was that I completely had no idea that I was suffering mild depression. I felt useless and purposelessness overwhelmed me. A lot of people never missed a chance to tell me how smart I was or how talented they thought I was, and this ironically led to me feeling more depressed. I never saw myself as capable of being a creative. The burden was, and is, too heavy to bear.

My situation was also compounded by the fact that I dropped out of school, and went ahead to pursue my passion of working in the entertainment industry. My parents continually pressured me over this decision, and it made my life more miserable than a sales person trying to sell a car in a community where they used dragons for transport. I was working as a club promoter — one of the trickiest jobs ever, especially in an industry that had fraudsters and all sorts of unethical people as customers. I knew that my job did not make me feel accomplished, but I was too scared to make a career change so I tried desperately to shove the feeling of unaccomplishment to a corner of my other worries. I came up with different strategies to help nightclubs improve their brands, this was unappreciated as the major objective of most nightclubs is maximum profit (making more than 500% on a bottle of alcohol).

All the time I spent working as a club promoter, there was always this gaping hole in my life. I could feel that I was drowning in a lack of self-sufficiency. It made me resent myself and life. I knew there was something that I should be doing, but just was not for some flimsy reason. Nope. The reason was not so flimsy. The reason was that I could not see the talent that people insistently claimed they saw in me. People would say I was a good writer, and all I would think was that they were either mocking me or had no idea what being a good writer was. I was (and remain) the biggest critic of my work.

Recently, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. I made a conscious effort to study myself. I read books and rummaged the internet for any information I could get to help me become more aware of myself, my thoughts and my actions. I have, so far, learnt a number of things (both pleasant and unpleasant), and I must say the journey has been captivating, tiring, but most importantly, very helpful. We humans are very adept at observing and judging others, but never take out time to analyze and audit our own selves, our behavior, our temperament, the way our minds function, how we interact with our environments.

“This Shola no even sabi how to relate with person” — a person without the slightest idea on how to relate with person.

Understanding these things are crucial to one’s success in life as they help make better decisions. This journey of self-discovery uncovered years of anger, anxiety, insecurities and all those emotions that I had always denied.

The main thing that I discovered about myself during this journey was how I had interest in so many things. It’s not that I was unaware of this, I just never came to terms with it or rather I did not attempt to understand it. Naturally, I like to explore. I like to experiment with ideas. It is one of the main reasons why I was fascinated by nightlife. I’m obsessed with music, its entirety, the things that make the music industry tick. I love parties — large ones where people barely have time to notice you. I love writing. Whenever I scribble down my thoughts, I feel like I’m in a universe and I’m riding on Pegasus and everywhere is colored in gold and angels are shitting diamonds. Entrepreneurship thrills me. I don’t necessarily want to be a businessman, but I want to contribute to the growth of many businesses. I want to have a comprehensive understanding of how the minds of consumers work and how I can use it as a tool to sell to them. It’s all of these things that run simultaneously through my mind. My brain is like a clockwork of ideas, trying desperately to cohabit in my brain without intercepting one another.

Every living day for me is a mental battle. It’s like I’ve been burdened with all of these things and before now, I could not bear the weight. It crushed my soul and I really believed it was going to be the end of me. But since I made the decision to sort through my brain carefully and put things more in order, I was met with the realization that I did not have to trash or neglect any of the interests. I could instead work on them step by step while also looking for wherever my interests intersect. This has made the burden a little less heavy. I have begun to apply myself gradually, building a skill set and monitoring my growth.

I started by focusing on building my writing skill and then I expanded my horizon to content marketing (considering that writing is one of the vital skills). My journey has become smoother and my goals are more clearly defined. I’m far away from achieving all what I set out to, but I’m also not close to where I used to be.

A lot of people are in my position and I would advise that you get your head out of your ass and begin to work on yourself. You are yet the most important project that you’ll ever work on. Analyze your strengths and weaknesses and tune them till they balance each other out. Focus on understanding your emotions and have it at the back of your mind that you’re not alone in this.

You can reach out to me on Twitter @Haywenzo if you ever want to talk, I can be a good listener. Have a lovely week.

untethered. let the wings of freedom take me to an unknown destination faraway from here.