swimming. in circles.

finally, i can use my medium page for what i’ve always wanted to use it for: writing my thoughts as they come. writing, for me, has always been a thing of solace. i was in a conversation with some of my friends recently, and i said to them:

“writing takes away all the pain. whenever i’m writing, i feel like i’m in a rollercoaster that’s moving at an incomprehensible speed.”

when i first discovered my writing skill, i was honestly shocked. i’ve always shown traits of intelligence since my childhood. yes, i’m super smart. you know those kids in science fiction movies that were engineered in the lab and have ridiculous iqs, yes? okay. i’m not exactly saying that i’m one of them, but i tick all the boxes. the positive boxes, that is. but i never expected to develop a knack for putting my thoughts into words, not to imagine making sense to anyone who bothers to read.

because i don’t like to be stuck doing the same thing, i was naturally drawn to fictional writing. writing fiction gives you the opportunity to express yourself to the fullest as well as explore your creativity. i never tired from writing different stories that sprang in my mind. i saw myself as a conduit for these stories to interact with the world. and i was fulfilled playing that role.

another admirable trait i have is my audacity. i was audacious enough to stop living with my parents immediately i gained admission into the university. i believed that it was the only way for me to grow; being outside of the reach of my parents and not having to depend on them was a catalyst to my seeking for knowledge. i knew i wanted to live unconventionally, and to live unconventionally, i had to do things differently from what society demanded. so i did.

after several unsuccessful attempts, i dropped out of school in my final year. hey, before you start lecturing me on how i could have struggled to get the degree, i want to assure you that i don’t give a rat’s ass. dropping out of school activated my release clause. i could focus on the one thing i’d always wanted: enjoying myself.

i’m a simple guy. i like to read. i like to listen to music. i like to watch movies. i like learning. i like to create. i like to evolve. i like being unshackled. it’s these little different components that get me working. that keep me alive. there’s no other way which i’d like to live my life on this forsaken planet. no offense, big guy in the up and up.

conform? i never imagined myself to be a person that would conform. it was a nonexistent concept in my head. i only ever hope(d) to live on my own terms, consume so much knowledge, in various forms, digest, and create something. anything. as long as it leaves an impact. discovering that i could write, i began to apply myself.

i remember one of the first people that showed interest in my writing talent. he was an entrepreneur and investor, who had years of experience in the business world, and was looking for young creatives to help bring his ideas to life. he paid for my internet, gave me gigs, and mentored me. but he always had a problem with me because i wasn’t particular about writing for a living.

i have a gift. i’d be stupid not to recognize it. i want to share this gift with the world. that was the goal from the onset. to neglect the rules. to oppose the rules, in fact. somewhere along the line, i derailed. it happened so quickly that it took some time for me to realize that i’d lost my way. however, that realization was simply the beginning of my headache.

you know when you’re doing something wrong, but you can’t seem to tell what you’re doing exactly? i’ve been in that phase for more than two years now. i knew i should be doing something, but for some flimsy reason, i wasn’t. i didn’t actually know what that thing was. the feeling of inadequacy crippled me. with every passing day came a new kind of headache and mindfuck. i was scared shitless. also, i was angry. angry because i was stuck. i kept swimming in circles…

the story continues in my next write up.

ps: i want to tell whoever reads this that i’m ascending to a new level. i’ve often said that i want to write more often for people to read and enjoy, but i’ve never been this inspired to go ahead with it. i promise you’ll enjoy this ride.

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