Ibinabo took a long drag from the stick of weed that he held in his left hand in a fashionable manner — and as he exhaled, smoke danced out of his nostrils into the blank atmosphere. It was no ordinary dance, but the famous nae nae dance. His eyes the color of a bleeding tube of toothpaste. They were so red you could mistake them for the stop sign.
“I don tire for this job. This our job no fit favor us for this recession”
His guttural voice sounded like that of a sexually deprived Japanese ninja.
“Nna I dey tell you. Imagine the kind thing wey happen tonight” said Nonso.
Nonso, in all (his) fairness, looked like an untamed beast that escaped the confines of a zoo where the predators were allowed to molest their preys sexually before feeding on them.
He has a forested face — and not enough hair to pass down to his unborn kids.
Diversion: A bald muffin wearing make up runs on stage and cries in adequate lack of hair.
Ibinabo puffed two more times and passed it to Nonso.
There was a momentary release of energy into the atmosphere and it happened that the most high attained a higher level of ‘most highness’
“So, wait we no make any money this nigh..”
“None o. In fact na loss” Lekan cut in abruptly. Lekan hardly talked. One would hasten to conclude that he was reticent in nature, but actually he has mouth odor. However, this mouth odor qualified him to play a pivotal role in the business.
Finally, the Olympic torch was passed to Lekan.
[Just so that we’re on the same page, Olympic torch in that context translates to weed].
Another diversion: A paramecium, dressed in a 3 piece Agbada uses its flagellum to slot in a disk for the viewe…readers.
About 2 and half hours ago.
Three…evil men pulled up abruptly in a white van in front of an oddly designed gate. The gate was painted in black so that it looked like the entrance to Hades, but e be like the devil get branding sense pass that one. Immediately, the men jumped down and hurried toward the gate, banging it like they had a vendetta against the gate. Or maybe they desperately wanted to take a shit. After futile efforts, they contrived a means to get into the compound and soon they gained access into the house. They did not need to subdue the gateman as nature already assisted in that aspect.
The sitting room was magnificently beautiful, with a flat screen hanging on one side of the wall and paintings on all the other sides. And then the rest of the wall was full with cobwebs. There was a round center table that served as a platform for car keys and some mumbo jumbo — and most probably for mummy and daddy to do mummy and daddy things.
The men entered different rooms and before the flap of a bird’s feather they dragged the entire family out to the sitting room.
“All of you on you neez. If you make any sound there I’ll shoot you”
“May I kindly ask you, sir, where’s your gun?”
Nonso shivered slightly and gave Ibinabo a questioning glance. Ibinabo’s face carried no expression at all. It was as blank as a smartphone with a dead battery, if not blanker.
“Wee you keep quiet?” Ibinabo commanded.
“Have you people eaten?” Mama Joke asked. No matter the situation, Mama Joke had an unwavering belief that there was absolutely nothing food could not solve.
The three evil men looked at themselves funnily and rather hungrily. They couldn’t deny the fact that it was a relevant question.
Baba Joke fretted so did his wife and two kids.
“Wetin una get to give us for this house?” Lekan said in a very demanding tone.
“Uhnnnnn. Who polluted the atmosphere?” Yinka screamed. He’s the last born of the house and he possessed a sharp tongue.
Lekan retreated in shame.
“Everyone, shut up!” Nonso shouted.
“Now, wetin una get wey get value for this house?”
“Ah. We get Value bread, sir” Mama Joke responded almost immediately.
“I’m still curious as to why you guys are not making use of guns?”
“You this man you go land yourself for trouble. You just dey shout gun you sabi how much bullet be for Mushin as recession dey everywhere?”
Joke, the first born daughter, laughed out loudly.
“Well, I’m sorry. We have no cash in this house. Except you have POS” replied Baba Joke in a confident manner.
“Madam, abeg bring that Value bread firstly” Ibinabo said.
The three evil men went to a corner in the sitting room — and whispered to one another. In less than a minute, Mama Joke returned with the bread and beverage.
“Una dey get light like this well well?”
“Ah make I charge my phone. Who get BB charger?”
Joke pointed toward the socket where there was a charger plugged in.
Nonso retrieved his phone from his pocket and went toward the socket.
Lekan remained mute.
“Abeg wetin be that POS thing wey you ask?” Ibinabo asked Baba Joke.
“If you allow my wife and kids go freely I’ll tell you”
The three evil men looked at one another and shook their heads almost simultaneously as a conceding signal.
Baba Joke stood to sit on the chair while the three evil men fed voraciously.
He began to tell them about their operations and how they might need a business strategist like him to help them out.
“Maybe you’re not making a lot of money because you guys don’t pay any attention to your brand” he said. And the armed robbers were impressed as they listened attentively.
He told them all about how to properly brand a business and the essentials of employing mind-blowing strategies in their operations.
“I think what you guys need firstly is a logo”
Another diversion: A random man — with a turban tied around his head — holding a walking stick closes the curtains with splendor. The audience claps passionately.
*circling back to the present*
“You hold that man business card for hand?” Ibinabo asked Lekan.
Lekan responded with a nod.
“Abeg where them bring this weed from?” Nonso asked, not directing the question to anyone in particular.